In a world filled with angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I lost my breath.
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen.
He was my words
My everything.
This felt so right
Pull me into the air
And let me breath.
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen.
Baby be my breath
And let me feel speechless.
Let me feel this feeling
And let me love.
At least for a while.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there!
I hardly ever review poetry, so sorry if this isn't that great.
Just one tiny nitpick:
*breathe
So this is quite a vague poem: it's all about this boy; but the reader hardly knows anything about him.
You should really expand here. How does he make everyone smile? Why was he your sunshine, no one elses? ... I don't feel I know him at all. Imagery is needed here.
I think you could explain this more, dedicate a few more lines to it. I'd like to know more.
I don't quite understand this. The narrator seems to need this person - he was her sunshine - and yet she feels starved of breath? He was her everything - was he suffocating her in a way that the reader doesn't know about? If so, please expand!
I don't like this, it seems a little rushed. What else was he to her? I think you put 'my everything' too soon.
So, overall, I don't really understand the poem and think that imagery is necessary. However, I can see some interesting ideas in here that you should definitly expand upon - the angry people, the feeling of being starved of oxygen.
Hope I helped, and keep writing!
~Lilicia
"In a world filled with angry people" this line seemed just a little bit awkward and long.
"I lost my breath." This line was also a little odd-sounding.
"And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?" Both of these, lose the 'and.'
"And let me breath." In this context, breath is spelled breathe.
"And let me love." This line is used quite a bit. It sounds all right here, but keep that in mind.